Beliefs

Leaders,

I thought I’d talk today about beliefs.  Dictionary.com defines beliefs as something believed; an opinion or conviction.  It also defines conviction as a fixed or firm belief.  For the purposes of this discussion we’ll call beliefs the assumptions, opinions, and understandings one has in regards to something.  Beliefs can be strong enough to die for (think of a jihadist) or passive enough that they don’t really matter (strawberry is better than chocolate.)  It’s easy to form beliefs and they are the basis for how we make our day-to-day decisions big and small, conscious and subconscious. 

While this topic on beliefs could go in many different directions, for now I want to focus on two areas.  The first is awareness that if you are in disagreement with someone, you may not be able to bring them around to your beliefs on the subject.  The second is for you to be aware that your beliefs may be wrong and could be causing you some undue stress. 

Since our beliefs are built around our experiences, conclusions, assumptions, learnings, and just life itself, we will often have different beliefs than someone else.  Because our beliefs are built around what we know (or think we know) it’s in our nature to believe we are right and anyone who has a different take is wrong.  When this happens we will typically try to tell the person why our beliefs are right and why theirs are wrong.  If you’re anything like me your beliefs are always right and anyone who thinks otherwise is just wrong!    I don’t care what your story is or why you believe what you do, you’re just wrong and I’m going to tell you why.   Sound familiar?  What happens if the other person also thinks like me? 

What happens when you have two or more people with differing beliefs?  You get friction.   Maybe even conflict.  If you believe a Ford truck is better and I believe a Chevy is better we’re not in alignment.  You could tell me all day long how you grew up with Fords, Chevy’s are junk, your uncles Chevy was always in the shop, your Ford hauls a trailer better, etc.  This is what we typically do when we’re not in alignment, we tell the other person they are wrong and that our beliefs are right.  Then we proceeded to tell them why we are right in some far out hope that they somehow see the light and instantly switch their beliefs.  This seldom if ever works yet 9 times out of 10 we do this very thing.   Ever try to tell someone why your religion is better than theirs?  How about trying to get your friend or a stranger to believe that your spouse is the greatest spouse on the planet?   From your prospective you do believe your religion is the best religion and if you’re married you better believe your spouse is the best on Earth, you hold these beliefs to be true.  If these are indeed true, how can someone else with a differing belief tell you they are not and be right in their mind?

What I’d like for all of you to take away from this is that sometimes you have to recognize that you aren’t going to change someone’s beliefs.  In the rare case that you do it’s not because you did the work, it’s because that person decided to change their belief(s).  While you may have all the evidence in the world that you are right, until that other person is ready to change their beliefs you two will continue to be out of alignment.  While certainly uncomfortable and frustrating it’s okay to be out of alignment.  Understand that by trying to “convince” the other person why they are wrong or why they need to change their belief is likely going to cause you more discomfort and frustration than if you simply accepted it for what it is.  You cannot change a person’s beliefs, only the person can change their beliefs.  This is where openly listening to the other person and their reasoning for a belief without judgement comes in to play and this skill is key to be a good influencer and a leader.  This takes us in to our second topic.

The last thing I want to talk about is your own beliefs.  You are who you are based on your beliefs.  Everything you do in your life consciously and subconsciously is based off of your beliefs.  Our minds are constantly looking for proof that our beliefs are indeed true.  Our mind seldom works to disprove our beliefs.  It’s important that you understand this.  You need to be aware of your beliefs and sometimes you need to question them.  For example, suppose you believe one of your coworkers to be dumb.  You will consciously and subconsciously continually look for things this person does to back up your belief.  You won’t naturally look for or notice things that disprove your belief; but you will continue to look for evidence confirming your belief.  There’s a lot of science and history behind this and I’ll leave that to you to track down if you’re interested. 

Using some more examples, I’ll give you all a little bonus section that could help you today.  Perhaps some of you may have a problem with a co-worker, friend of a friend, and maybe you think such-and-such is out to get you?   Maybe you think your spouse is cheating (I hope this isn’t the case for any of you)?  Maybe you think our company is going down the drain?  When you have these kinds of beliefs or any other belief that weighs heavily on you, ask yourself is this true or am I simply looking for things to confirm my unfounded belief?  Are their signs you are overlooking to disprove your beliefs?  Are your beliefs grounded in fact or subjective tidbits?  When you take some time and think about these things you might find that indeed your beliefs were just wrong and you were getting worked up for nothing.  In the case that your troubling beliefs are true, that’s a topic for another day.

Some of you who worked with me in the path know about my epiphany I had last year.  Sometime last year I finally realized my beliefs were getting the best of me.  I firmly believed that some people in our organization got up in the morning with the sole desire to come to work and screw things up.  I started looking for things they did to confirm this and I found a lot of confirmation.  The truth is, while it’s really easy to believe, nobody actually gets up to come to work to screw things up.  I was just focused on reaffirming my beliefs of these unfortunate people.  They may be less than great at their job but they don’t intestinally get up to come in and screw things up.  More importantly, it was me who was causing myself and others a lot of undue stress by letting my unfound beliefs run amuck.  When I realized this it really helped me grow as a leader and a person. 

The takeaway for today is for you all to be a little more aware of beliefs and the challenges they can create for you and those around you.   Remember that you aren’t going to easily change someone’s beliefs.  If someone does change their beliefs it’s because they decided to not because you changed them.  (There is actually an art to helping others change their beliefs but it’s outside the scope of this writing.)  Respect the other person’s beliefs even if they aren’t in alignment with yours.  Lastly, make sure your beliefs aren’t unnecessarily leading you down a path of added stress and frustration.

The Scorpion and the Frog

One of my favorite little fables is about the Scorpion and the Frog.  In the story, a scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too." The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" Replies the scorpion: "It’s my nature.”  I like this story because it makes me think about myself and some of the dumb things I do because it’s my nature. 

We all have those things that are just in our nature.   These are typically bad habits that are detrimental to our success.   For me, this morning, I’m sitting at my desk shaking my head and beating myself up over something I did that is just in my nature.  I sent an email when I was angry.  I know better than to do this.  I’ve done it before and yet despite the experience of living through the repercussions of past emails in anger, despite knowing better, I still sent another.  The current one is probably one of the worst.  I own it; I did it; now I have to live with the fallout as well as all those it affected and those who have been drawn in to my irresponsible action. 

Abraham Lincoln once wrote a letter to General Meade after the battle of Gettysburg.  Lincoln was so angry with Meade he was going to relieve him of his command and ultimately his commission.  Lincoln sat on the letter and never sent it.  Ultimately things worked themselves out.  Lincoln was known for taking time to cool off before he responded to situations.  This story is often cited in communications training, books, and lectures as an example of waiting 24 hours to send an angry response.  I know this rule, I can tell you the story of Lincoln, I know waiting 24 hours is the thing to do and yet it’s in my nature to do what I did – not wait.

I don’t know why I sent that email.   Ego?  Pride?  Frustration?  I sat there hovering over the send button knowing it was dumb.  I knew not to do it.  I knew I’d regret it and yet I still hit send.  I did this in the airport terminal as I was leaving the country for vacation.  The whole time I was on vacation this email and its fallout were on my mind.  While I may have been on vacation my mind was in its own little prison as I continually beat myself up over sending the email.  Today is my first day back in the office and there is indeed fallout.   Not only have I damaged relationships, I’ve put a few of my people in a tough spot and I’ve put my chain of command and a few friends in similar tough spots.  It was just dumb, senseless, and completely uncalled for.   I embarrassed and ashamed of my actions.  I’ll likely be working for months trying to fix this stupid mistake.

I share this with you first as an example of what not to do.  Regardless of how mad, frustrated, or hurt you are, give yourself a chance to calm down before you respond to the person who set you off.  Second, use this as a reminder that angry emails and communications should never be had.  Again, you should take the time to cool off and think before getting drawn in to such a conversation.   Next, take a minute to identify your negative “it’s my nature” habits and be very aware of them.  Work to make them no longer a part of your nature.   Lastly, when you do this kind of thing, take responsibility for it and own it.  It doesn’t help the situation looking for a place to put the blame or trying to deflect it.  Simply own it, apologize, and start rebuilding the havoc you created.  With that said, it’s a lot easier to simply just not do it in the first place…